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I write this with a heavy heart, there is someone who has my heart and for the life of me I am ashamed to say I just cannot find the strenght to move past her. It began over 3 years ago when we met in an art class at college, she was gorgeous and couldn’t keep my eyes off me, I had struck gold with this one. Our friendship began and she became my true best friend, I never knew I could have such a connection with another human.
We pushed each other in our academic lives, which I was made very proud and I beleive if it wasn’t for my caring nature she would not have progressed but I just be being self indulgent. So after out first fantastic year of being together we moved in and I was over the moon, we were inseparable and I loved it. We had our ups and downs like every couple but we always moved past it and grew stronger. And it wasnt until I decided to move in with my friends for my next year to experience bro life. She was heartbroken and upon great hindsight, I see why.
Yet if it wasnt for my plans of moving in with the boys, she wouldnt of met her now best friends whom she currently lives with. My plans fell through and I had to move back home, it was shit.
She lived with me at my parents home over the summer and it was a joy to see her beautiful little smiling face every day when I arrived home, she moved back to Glasgow, and it was very hard. We never had money to do nice things but we made do, and it was wonderful. We went down to London for a wee holiday and had the time of our lives! She always allowed me to be myself and I her.
It wasnt until late March this year we mutually decided to call it a day. 3 years and we gave up.
At first I thought, yeah this is great, of course I missed and still loved her but I felt free.
She was doing her own thing, going for nights out and having a blast, after being such a cynic previoisly. I was very happy she was getting on and truly blossoming.
We still talked and kept in touch, and then the emotions flooded in.
The only person I could evrr talk to about my feelings was her, and now I feel so far away, pushed out.
We met up about 7 weeks ago to catch up and I was so excited! She looked amazing, and we beamed with happiness the moment we locked eyes. So we went to a cafe and got a drink and she was full of stories of what she had been doing. She met someone.
It was over, he was apparently really mean to her and her friends,  I wanted to smash him up into pieces. But what really broke me was her telling me she had slept with him. My heart had never felt so overwhelmingly heavy. It was heartbreaking.
We parted ways and it was terribly awkward as it would be, and I could see myself welling up saying goodbye. I had 3 hours to kill, it was awful. My mind was on overkill, hurt, pain, anger, frustration,  was horrid.
I can’t look at another girl without seeing how glorious my little best friend was. I haven’t had the courage to talk to anyone about this let alone approach a girl to talk to. I don’t view myself as am overly attractive person, my pals are all so much better looking then I, I just have fun where I can.
Anyway, we met up again to go to see wwe in Glasgow, after I surprised her with tickets, in which she didnt seem to happy. We went and it was incredible, it felt natural how we got back into us. I slept in her flat that night, and I had great expectations,  I just wanted to hold her and feel her warmth, her smell, and feel loved. It didnt happen.
The reality kicked in and I had to go home as I had work the next day.
It was her and my birthdays last week and I sent her a parcel just with a couple of daft presents, safe to say she loved it. It was my birthday the following day and I didnt receive at least a card. Pleasantries were exchanged over facebook but it got me down.
I told her how I felt about us and it was like I went up in a balloon and got bazooka’d down, she wants to move on.
A day doesnt go by when I dont think of her. I still have our pictures on my wall, too pathetic to take them down.
I just want to hold her hand and squeeze her, I havent had a meaningful hug in so long.
It was too much too young for both of us which came to our ultimate demise.
I just miss her and she can never know, its not worth hassling her, I have too much respect for her to bring her down with this nonsense.
I write this on my forgotten tumblr as I know she won’t see it. I just needed to vent I think.
I can put it no more eloquently then simply, I love you Kirsty.



#pain hurt heartache love girlfriend emotions loss